


Whisper the words you know

by smittenwithsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Break down, M/M, talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 17:35:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10598844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smittenwithsugden/pseuds/smittenwithsugden
Summary: Robert confesses to Aaron





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a birthday gift to the wondeful Laura (victoriasugden on tumblr), the Robert to my Vic. Happy birthday!

Robert had been staring at the back door to the back room for quite a while now. He just couldn’t bring himself to go through because he knew once he'd done it, once he told him, his life would be over. But he had to. If not Ross would, or Rebecca. It was just clear to him that they won’t keep quiet much longer.

He took a deep breath and stepped in. Aaron was in the kitchen, making some brew. Robert looked at his back; his eyes scanned his body up and down like if he would just look long enough he could burn this image in his mind.

“Hey,” Aaron said with a smile after he had turned around and seen him standing there, “you want a brew?”

“We need to talk,” Robert said and was surprised by how firm his voice sounded.

“Now?” Aaron asked, and Robert could see his eyes flicker with worry and he hated it, hated himself for liking it, enjoying it, reveling in the fact that Aaron worried about him. This would all be over soon now.

“Yes,” Robert said and sat down on the couch. 

“Okay,” Aaron said and it looked like he braced himself for something while he was sitting down on the kitchen chair, opposite Robert.

“I…” Robert started and he felt his throat closing up. Lie, his head screamed at him but he swallowed it down. “I slept with Rebecca.”

There it was. Out in the open and he couldn’t even bring himself to look at Aaron. He felt like the room was closing in on him and there was just nothing until…

“I know,” Aaron said.

Robert’s head shot up and he looked at him in disbelief and horror.

“I’ve known since you and Mum came to visit me,” he said, swallowing hard. “I wasn’t sure if it was really Rebecca, but I was pretty sure you cheated. Once I got out it was very clear that it was Rebecca. I guess she was easy, right? Right there. Not much effort.”

Robert just stared at him and all of a sudden anger flared up in him.

“You knew?” he croaked out, voice breaking. “You knew and you didn’t say anything? You just kept me around? You didn’t even bother to….”

“What? Dump you?” Aaron said. 

“Yes,” Robert said, his voice getting louder. “I tried so hard to be everything you needed and you just waited for me to tell you before you dump me?”

Aaron bit his lip, his sleeves already pulled over his hands. “I am not gonna dump you,” he said. “I know why you did it. I know you.”

“So what?” Robert said, sounding aggressive, taunting. “You are just gonna take it? Are you just gonna let a screw up like me hang around? I am nothing to you or to Liv. Come on, Aaron. You always knew this was gonna happen. I lied to you, repeatedly!”

Aaron was shaken; he clenched his fists by his side and looked at Robert.

“Yeah,” Robert said. “Come on, take it out on me! You knew all along, you must have bottled that anger. Let it out now! Like you always do!”

Robert had jumped up from the sofa, fixed Aaron with this angry look, but Aaron just shook his head.

“You’re not, nothing,” he said, letting out a shaky breath. “You're everything.”

Robert felt his heart hammering against his chest. Something was incredibly wrong here. This was not right. This was not what he prepared for. He felt dizzy and out of breath and without really realising it he let out a sob.

“Robert,” Aaron said softly, too softly, it felt like mockery to him, like something he did not deserve at all. “I am incredibly hurt, I have been and I will be, but I am also not gonna dump you and I am not gonna hit you, no matter how much you feel like you deserve it. Now that you told me we can work it out.”

Everything was closing in now, his breathing got harder, his chest got tighter, the floor felt like it couldn’t carry him anymore and he scooted down. Robert hugged his knees and shook his head over and over again.

“No,” he said. “No, no… you can’t… this is not…. I don’t deserve this…. you should hate me. Everybody hates me. This is what everybody expected from me anyway,” Robert sobbed and shook his head. “I am not worth this… I am not enough…. I’m not good enough…. you should leave me…”

“Robert,” Aaron’s voice sounded far away, when in fact, it was close. “Calm down.”

“No,” Robert said and pulled himself up. He was shaking and he couldn’t focus on anything. He just knew he couldn’t stay here, where the walls were closing in and Aaron drifted away and he stumbled for the door, was out of there before Aaron could reach him.

He walked, just kept walking and stumbling. He didn’t see anything or anyone, didn’t hear Aaron following, he just walked. He reached The Mill, hadn’t even thought about going there but didn’t stop to think. He went in and up the stairs, right into the bedroom. He hadn’t been up here again since that day, but now it felt like the only place for him. He locked the door and a moment later there was a knock.

“Robert,” Aaron said. “Open up.”

“No,” Robert choked out.

His eyes landed on the bed and it was all so hazy, he didn’t even really remember it, but he could still see it, still smelt her peachy shower gel and her heavy perfume. He dry heaved, coughed and kicked the bed.

“Robert,” Aaron again, this time he pounded against the door. “Open up! Now!”

Robert didn’t respond this time, he grabbed the blanket and threw it across the room. It hit the wall with a quiet thud.

“Robert?” Aaron sounded worried this time. “Are you all right?”

The worry killed Robert. He leant against the door, breathing heavily as he slowly slid down, sat on the floor, felt the pounding of Aaron against the door on his back.

“I’m here,” he said and there was a moment of silence. 

“Are you not gonna let me in?” Aaron asked.

“I can’t,” Robert answered and his voice was as thin as paper.

He heard Aaron shuffle, then a thud and he was obviously sitting against the door as well, on the other side.

“Robert,” he said, “are you ok?”

“No,” Robert said. “I’m really not.”

“I think this is the first time you admitted that,” Aaron said.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said, his voice breaking again. “You don’t deserve me.”

“No?” Aaron said. “Then tell me, what do I deserve? Who do I deserve?” 

“Somebody better, somebody who is enough, who is useful to you, who is strong and can keep it together. Somebody who doesn’t screw up at the first sign of trouble, somebody who is faithful and doesn’t lie. Somebody who has your back, no matter what happens. Somebody your mum and sister like, somebody who doesn’t see kidnapping as a resolution to a problem. Somebody who knows from the second they saw you that you are it. Somebody who knows what you want and can give it to you, somebody…”

“Sounds boring,” Aaron interrupted him.

“No,” Robert sighed. “It’s what you deserve.”

“And I don’t get a say?” Aaron asked.

“Of course,” Robert said.

“Because I want somebody I just can’t shake. I want somebody that no matter how hard I try, he just sticks. I want somebody who loves me so much he organises a surprise wedding so I know I have a family. I want somebody who takes care of my little sister, even though they don’t exactly get along. I want somebody I know so well, but still, can’t predict. I want somebody who is so heartbroken over me taking drugs he does this big, fucking mistake and then owns up to it to my mum of all people.”

“Stop it,” Robert said, quietly.

“I want somebody, who is a known cheater, who cheated with me, who everyone expects to cheat again and when he does, when he is so weak and hurt it kills him. I’ve seen it, Robert, the guilt. It was written all over your face.”

“Don’t do this,” Robert said. “Don’t be that guy, who just forgives and people call an idiot for it.”

“I don’t care about other people, they don’t know you or us,” Aaron said. “I mean, it can’t go on like it did. We need to change. We need to talk. But I am not letting her and a bottle of whatever drink, end our marriage.”

Robert sobbed again, it came from deep within and it shook his whole body.

“Robert,” Aaron said softly, “Let me in.”

Robert hesitated. He knew he didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve him, but he needed him so much. And so he shuffled up and turned the key. He took a step back and Aaron opened the door.

Aaron took a step and wrapped his arms around him and Robert let him, allowed himself to sack against him, to hold on to him, to breathe him in, to press his nose against his neck and drown in the feeling of being held.

“But we’re burning that bed,” Aaron said and Robert sobbed.


End file.
